Ups and Downs

It is hard to believe who quickly time is moving and how fast the school year has gone. It seems like only last month when we started the brand new school year with a group of lively grade 1 children, and already we are planning for next year.

It has been a grand school year. With one of the best classes ever, I looked forward to every day, arrived early to start the day, and stayed late to finish up marking and planning. Having taken on the role of Grade 1 Level Coordinator this year, I had the responsibility to lead a group of seven other grade one teachers throughout the year, and it was a privilege to serve.

I recently learned that another teacher will be serving as the group leader next year. At first I was quite disappointed and questioning myself, wondering what I could have done differently to have had a different result. It was like banging my head on the desk...it hurt but certainly did not help in the least.

I did go through the seven stages of grief, as outlined below:

1. Shock and Denial- What? How can this be?
2. Pain and Guilt- There must have been more I could have done!
3- Anger and Bargaining- What if I had tried harder?
4- Depression, Reflection, Loneliness- Why is everyone against me?
5. The Upward Turn- But I did do my best with what I knew...
6. Reconstruction and Working Through- So what are the consequences of this?
7. Acceptance and Hope- I am determined to be the best teacher I can be next year!

-From  http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

It may seem a bit of a selfish stretch to compare the loss of a loved one with the loss of a position of responsibility, I realize that I often have trouble putting thoughts, feelings and events in to perspective, especially when it comes to work.I have been told that I take things too personally, which apparently comes from childhood experiences with circumstances. I never really learned how to cope with negative feelings and painful disappointments, other that to cry and sink into depression.

But then it hit me- square in the heart- I was put in a difficult situation, and although I did my very best, it wasn't. I compare it to training really hard for a difficult event, but not being able to complete it. Sometimes time runs out, the environment is not right, or the body and brain are not prepared.

I am learning that it is okay to fail. It is not the best feeling in the world, but it certainly is not the worst! Perhaps it is in our failures that we learn to appreciate the successes, recognize our areas of need, and set new goals.

I am looking forward to the ten weeks of summer vacation. I will be returning to Canada in 12 days. Plans include spending time with family and friends, fishing and swimming, and making an effort to sort, clean, and toss some of the accumulated "stuff" in our crawl space and throughout the rest of the house.

Life it good, and I am one fortunate person!

Until next time,

Bee Rich

Monday Sunshine

I did not sleep as well as I had hoped last night. Too many thoughts, memories and anticipations dancing around in my head. I knew I had to get up to start my online course by 9 am, and with a deadline of 1:30 pm, I needed to be productive.

We spent last evening with my step-father celebrating his 70th birthday. A delicious dinner, prepared by his lady-friend and accompanied by a box of Hochteler made for an interesting evening. When we calculated that my mother had passed away almost three years ago, I could hardly believe it, because it seems like yesterday.

My cousin, a minister who officiated at my mother's memorial service, gave us a beautiful analogy about grief. She told us that grief is like the waves of the ocean. Sometimes the sea is calm and we feel at peace, while at other times, the water seems to overcome us, and we feel as if we are drowning. I recently passed this on to a friend whose another had passed only one year ago. By recalling the metaphor (or simile), I realized its truth. 

One year ago I shared with a colleague at work that the reason for my moodiness and distractedness was that I had not yet grieved the loss of my mother. Shortly after she passed, I had returned to India and tried to "forget" the loss. Then last year, while at home, I was pulled under by the depth of the feelings. After yet another year away from home, spending time alone and with a supportive husband and two other dear friends, I finally, gradually, and peacefully did come to terms. The waters appears calm and I finally feel whole again. I do miss my mother, and I know a piece of her will always be in my heart. In fact, when I look in the mirror, I recognize her face. 

I am grateful for these lessons learned and for the love and support of my family and friends, two of whom are pictured above. And the course? It is going well! 

Until next time, 

Bee Rich

Taking it Easy...

On May 20, 2014 I was dismissed without cause from a job that I truly loved. Since that date I have gone through the stages of grieving...

Sometimes it just takes time

Not sure if I really had a chance for denial.  It was what it was and I suspected it was coming so my denial, if it happened at all, was very brief.

However, I do remember my immediate feeling of anger.  I was angry at myself and the situation. To be quite honest I sometimes still feel angry, especially at myself for allowing the situation to become as complicated as it became.

I bargained for awhile, thinking that I should get another chance, a better severance or at least a going away party....

Then it was the depression...the feelings of hopelessness, serious self-doubt, self-pity, despair....

But finally, now almost three weeks later, I am beginning the final stage of grief, that is acceptance. Ah yes the old These things happen for a reason reasoning. While I haven't yet discovered the reason for this thing happening I have been able to experience the consequences of not working 40 or 50 or even 60 hours a week and there are many.

Things to Do Instead of Working

1. Spend a few days with my aunt in upstate New York and meet up with cousins, cousin-in-law and cousins once removed
2. Apply for a new passport
3. Help build a new deck with my husband
4. Spend a few days at my son's home and visit with my two adorable grandchildren
5. Garden
6. Shop for paint and painting equipment
7. Paint the walls in our new mudroom
8. Shop for running shoes and clothing
9. Go for a run
10. Spend time with my brother
11. Take my sister out for dinner on her birthday
12. Apply for new jobs
13. Attend a job fair
14. Email former colleagues and administrators
15. Shop for flooring for our new mudroom
16. Help install flooring in our new mudroom
17. Play with the dog
18. Swim in the lake
19. Love who I am with and what I am presently doing
20. Forgive- life is too short to hold a grudge

My lovely Aunt and cousin!

The pictures are ones that I have taken over the course of the past two weeks. They represent just some of the wonderful memories I am making during this time of transition.

Until next time,

Bee Rich

The Fountain outside my aunt's home

My Sis and her Son

My granddaughter and daughter-in-law

He shoots and scores- my grandson